The Social Side of Sustainability

Putting the “civil” back into Civil Society

As we collaborate to uncover the necessary bits of communication that make or break business transactions, shared values and interests definitely help (otherwise you may not be heading in a direction that is itself “sustainable”), but its often the “soft stuff” of interpersonal communication skills that matter most — just a willingness to listen, the drive and curiosity to withhold judgement as you explore whatever you find initially puzzling or concerning, and a shared commitment to making the necessary disclosures to provide mutual KYC and accountability, with no excuses along the way.

With the imperative of seizing the business opportunities at hand (six examples here), there’s no time for any distractions.

Thus, we strongly prefer to focus on respectful discourse to bridge differences of opinion with verifiable facts (remember science and reason?) including how we can all implement the aforementioned bioinspired, natural-based approach. Not everyone does. If a more aggressive stance is your thing, for reasons you probably also feel strongly about, that’s fine. Most of us are not interested in that more combative or aggressive “edge” except when it is supported by a willingness to listen in kind. Taking turns, in other words. Why? It is very difficult to get things done when one party sits in judgement of the other, with a narcissistic view of the world, that everything must revolve around them, their political ego (or in some cases religious beliefs), or their single-minded agenda, organized to make them right at other people’s expense. No thanks.

Why can’t we all just get along?

Well, that’s a deep subject. Some would claim that we humans are naturally competitive (argumentative, fiercely promoting what we believe is right, often purposefully going up against an enemy, real or imagined), and thus it is our tendency (as we’re often left without sufficient motivation or skills to instead “succeed” through cooperation) to want to “win” even if — sometimes especially if — that means the other party doesn’t get to win. There’s often an underlying belief that there’s only so much to go around, so if you don’t get your due, someone else will. Survivalism. Is that true, or False Evidence Appearing Real (aka FEAR)?

We humans do sometimes walk a thin line, finding ourselves on the edge of survival, needing to tie down and secure whatever is in shortest supply (money, employable skills, food/water, systems of support to get through difficult times …), so the key is to get through those rough patches and be resilient enough to bounce back stronger than before. Shake it off or act as if you knew you’d be fine all along.

But for most of us, being highly competitive and polarizing is mostly a matter of style — thankfully there is no “winner takes all” imperative, no existential threat (even if feels otherwise) that determines whether or not you and your family can eat.

But why would you wait to “step up” and advocate for yourself or others? Why “play nice,” … only to later find out that you got played, and the proverbial “other” ate your lunch? We don’t want to regret being overly caustic, aggressive and/or acting on an angry impulse that proves destructive in hindsight. Calm minds prevail. But neither is it healthy to be overly passive or deny that you care about what actually matters most dearly to you.

Like anger, this fear of “the other” eating your lunch can be motivating, useful to help focus on moving away from what you don’t want, but going the distance, completing things that matter must tap different motivation. In the words of mentor David Whyte, “The will is an elaborative mechanism.” Start however you start but then get inside your own true motives, and discover those same mechanisms in others, to sustain productive achievement. The win/lose dynamic isn’t necessary — usually there’s more “lunch” available somewhere. There’s actually a metaphorical buffet open 24/7 and it isn’t that far from where you are now (ask Siri). There are also plenty of free lunches, by the way. Let’s nip that myth, too, while we’re at it.

These age-old limiting beliefs constantly tug at all of us (even if not consciously), but we need not be tempted into “falling prey” due to societal pressures, fear/insecurity, or the part of our neurology that wants to avoid feeling bad because we were momentarily vulnerable, caught unawares, or otherwise played the role of a victim. Sure, “move or be moved,” can be a good guideline for an entrepreneur, whose actions make or break results, but this belief in scarcity and “survival of the richest” is simply not necessary, or healthy, for most of us. Elon Musk and a few others could be the exceptions. Money is a measure of financial worth, not abiding value.

My point is simple: some of us (you, colleagues, competitors) use a win/lose approach out of habit, or due to bitterness/cynicism (having tried the softer, more cooperative, and “nice” approach that resulted in being burned), or both of these in combination. Good mistakes and lessons learned are one thing. It is very difficult to ignore well-learned lessons and not throw the baby with that dirty bathwater. We’re wired to generalize, delete (forget to use skills we once learned) or distort what’s in front of us to meet our preconceived ideas. The 3 D’s. We humans can’t not interpret. But, it turns out that those who have a more egalitarian view of life and confidence in their own abilities to “win” — even if and as others do, too — tend to get better results.

Obvious? Sure, in theory, we all know this. But in practice, do we consistent act this way, especially during times of stress?

My recommendation is that we cooperate at times, and compete at others, or even choose to occasionally avoid/accommodate (let others have their day when “winning” just isn’t that important) to make sure we don’t fall into a rut that leads to rigid attachment to any particular behavior, or limit results to only those who act as we expect. It is a communication error to expect others to act like we do. There’s that diversity thing again.

Exception: if you, or someone you are working with, is “near the edge” and in physical survival mode, then by all means fight, not each other, but fight nonetheless for what’s right and necessary. It is largely non-negotiable when someone is actually on the brink of such an existential disaster. You can’t talk them down from the metaphorical ledge, nor should you or they become passive or take others hostage if that’s what’s happening in the current state of mind. Cooperation is still likely the ticket out of that situation, as we all need to know there’s hope and opportunity in this otherwise abundant world.

Same dynamics play out forming a base of capital for strong business ideas, or gaining favor in business plan competitions, for example, where “winners” are rarely proclaimed based on the merits of the underlying business plan. Such artificial competition is more about presentation and polish or other criteria devised to create a sense of fairness and objectivity. Such “trial by fire” events are useful to hone and practice your pitch, but rarely of any longer-term value (no substitute for capital resources, except perhaps bootstrapping and generating your own).

The “soft stuff” has always been the hard stuff

Social relations are less important in project finance than in venture capital, but there’s some degree of social/emotional skill required just to open conversations that lead to your desired result. Rapport, in other words, offering proof of our interdependence.

Speaking of hormones, for a good dose, check out The Inner Mammal Institute, where Dr. Loretta tells all there is to know (and a bit more) about our so-called “happy” reward chemicals — dopamine, serotonin, endorphins and oxytocin. An earlier (personal) blog article reported a practical answer to dealing with the COVID Pandemic, that feeling of being “Stuck at Home,” answering the all-important question “How can we possibly remain calm at a time like this?” Dr. Breuning explains how to redirect yourself toward these reward chemicals and avoid threat chemicals (cortisol). Watch

Related reading:

• In3 blog: Climate Stabilization through a Bioinspired Approach
• ABetterWorkplace (management consulting) on collaboration skills.
• Daniel’s course on “Breaking Down Silos to Effective Collaboration” (Lorman Education)